Friday, February 22, 2013

Dark of the Night

The first thing I notice are the vibrations; doors slamming, voices reverberating off of walls, cars starting in the parking lot, feet running on the sidewalk. Then, upon waking, things start to become more clear, and the twinge of unease comes again. I don't want to turn on the lights, I just sit up and listen. The voices are more audible, screams, cries. "Help, he's hurting me! Please!" Urgent, demanding, and full of panic.

I wait, trembling now and heart starting to race, waiting to hear that fatal sound that seems inevitable. The crack in the night of lead and powder, or the clank of steel as it hits the concrete. Now other neighbors are awake and they must sense it too, doors are opening wide, people spill out into the night more screams outside. Responding - angry and questioning.

"Asshole, are you hurting her?!"
"Back off!"

But always and again, "Please help me!" comes above it all. Frantic.

For the third time this month I have reached for my phone in the dark of the night. And it is always the same, I press three, clear numbers into life, I report what I heard, I respond that 'yes, I can be contacted again'.

After, I will my eyes closed and try to block out the lingering vibrations. Angry voices, but ones that are muffled now. Doors still slam but not as many as before. There are no longer people running outside. And by the time my heartbeat slows and returns to normal I can hear the familiar siren and tires pulling into the drive.

And I curse my sense of self-preservation. I hate myself that I have become afraid. I hate that my secondary reaction to these things is to feel helpless, when truthfully, I am the one that must fight the urge to not break the night with bullets - all to fight away the perceptible Bad. I am angry that there is fear. I am angry that I cannot reasonably do more.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Where The Heart Is

To all of those who are in love with love, a Happy Valentines Day to you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I Know What Beauty Is

There are days that I miss people more than on other days. While my support network is cast quite wide these days there are some people, some truly beautiful people, that are at its core. Some of them are family, some of them are friends, some of them were unexpected, but all of them are dear to me. With Valentines Day approaching, I thought I would take a page from Leslie Knope's playbook and think about my Gal-entines.

These women whose photos I have shared are some of the most truly gorgeous people that I have come to know. They are strong in their vulnerability, they are gracious in their flaws. At different times they have all been my role models, mentors, and partners in crime. They have sat with me over countless cups of coffee, glasses of wine, and red solo cups. We have talked long into the night. We have both whispered and sang, laughed and cried. We have been afraid and bold together. They stood with me when I stood at the altar.

These women are Beauty.

I wish you all a Happy Galentines Day.

There is Something...

The last few days I have been preparing for a research trip to the University of Kansas and have been incredibly busy doing so! There are so many loose ends to get tied up before I head out. I think one of the things I am looking forward to the most is that I am leaving incredibly early in the morning. Driving into the great and wild prairie landscape under the growing light of a waxing moon. There is something so adventurous and romantic about that, but maybe I am biased, I love the prairie. Its vastness and wildness, and the absolute serenity of being in that much openness.

One of my favorite things of planning a trip to somewhere I have never been is to to make a playlist, and I try to find new music to act as the backbone to such a playlist. This feels like an evolutionary growing pains. I suppose what I mean is that by constructing sensory experiences I am allowed to feel new too...or that I can't predict what the experience will be like. There is something exciting about this to me, almost an act of self-analysis.

In the last 12 hours I have fallen madly in love with the sound of First Aid Kit. Here is a little bit of what I have been enjoying! I hope that you like it too.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Photos: Masks


Wishing everyone a happy Mardi Gras. May your masks always be around when you need them.